Friendly Chatting
General Chatting => Jokes and Funny Stuff => Topic started by: Jane on February 20, 2022, 01:07:43 PM
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For all those jokes that are just AWFUL..here is the place to post them @Skyon Archer, :lmao: instead of in poor @spice shoutbox.. :lmao:
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(https://imgzb.com/images/2022/02/20/HWn80.md.jpg) (https://imgzb.com/image/HkLjj)
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Okay, here you go . . . .
What’s the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.
How do you organize an astronomer’s party? You planet.
I want a job cleaning mirrors. It’s something I can really see myself doing.
I’m only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
. . . next?
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:lmao:
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(https://imgzb.com/images/2022/02/21/HX5Rj.jpg) (https://imgzb.com/image/HkpDI)
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What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Does anyone need an ark?
I Noah guy!
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
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:lmao:
(https://imgzb.com/images/2022/02/22/HXYRy.md.jpg) (https://imgzb.com/image/HWjDr)
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That was pretty terrible!
. . . but this one is better:
(https://i.imgur.com/BThF9vV.jpeg) (https://i.imgur.com/BThF9vV.jpeg)
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omg! :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
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(https://imgzb.com/images/2022/02/23/HgqXv.md.jpg) (https://imgzb.com/image/HWuOF)
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(https://imgzb.com/images/2022/02/24/HgoxB.md.jpg) (https://imgzb.com/image/HWCdN)
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I love these! Especially the drug dealer one! :lmao:
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What do you call a hen who can count her own eggs?
A mathemachicken…
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What happens when you witness a ship wreck? You let it sink in.
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My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me . . . .
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omg.. :lmao:
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Top tip: If your wife says: “what would you most like to do to my body?”, “identify it” is the wrong answer.
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Top tip: If your wife says: “what would you most like to do to my body?”, “identify it” is the wrong answer.
Truth!
. . . . .
What’s the difference between a hamster and a cigarette?
They’re both harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
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:laugh:
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
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GRRRR . . . okay then, how about this one . . . .
How many children does it take to shingle a roof?
Depends on how thinly you slice them
8)
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:laugh: good one
I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins.
I was about to run and tell my wife, when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden…
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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.
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I'm really excited for the next autopsy club. It's open Mike night!
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:lmao:
Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?
Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.
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Little known fact:
Before crowbars were invented, Crows just drank at home.
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:lmao:
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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Groan! :lmao:
Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding she’d say: “you’re next”. So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
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:lmao:
Why are there fences around cemeteries? Everyone’s always dying to get in.
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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.
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:lmao:
I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”
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Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
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:lmao:
Q: What do you call a bear without ears?
A: B
I wonder how many will get it? :lmao:
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:bash:
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:laugh:
Man: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”
Doctor: “To the morgue.”
Man: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”
Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”
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:P
Someone ripped out the 5th month of my calendar. I've been dismayed ever since.
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Just been told I'm bi-polar.... dunno whether to laugh or cry
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:lmao:
I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.
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:lmao: :lmao:
I once met a pig that did karate. We called him Pork Chop.
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Groan! :lmao:
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Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m dad.
Wife: No, you’re not.
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Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m dad.
Wife: No, you’re not.
Yikes!
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:lmao:
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
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:lmao:
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
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A man looks at his wife of 25 years and says, “Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV... but I got to sleep with a hot 25 year old blonde every night.”
"Now, we have a $300,000.00 house, a $50,000.00 car, a nice big bed and plasma screen TV... But I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things."
The wife being a reasonable woman said "Go out and find a hot 25 year-old blonde and I'll make sure that you, once again will be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.”
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A slice of pie costs £1.50 in Jamaica and £2.00 in the Bahamas. Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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:lmao:
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Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long for fat people.
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:lmao: :lmao:
What did the elephant say when he stopped in the middle of telling a story? Never mind, I realize this is irrelephant.
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groan! :lmao:
How do you know you’re ugly?
If you always get handed the camera for group photos.
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A guy took his girlfriend to prom. He waited in the ticket line for a really long time but got the tickets.
He went to rent a limo and waited at the rental line for very long, but he eventually rented it.
He went to buy flowers for his date and the line at the florist was really long, but finally, he got the flowers.
At prom, she asked him to go get some punch.
He went to the refreshment table, and there was no punchline.
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Well they are supposed to be terrible jokes :lmao:
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There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
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:lmao:
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Did you hear about that new restaurant on the moon?
The food was fantastic but there was no atmosphere.
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How do you get a duck to sing
Put it in the microwave and it's Bill Withers
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groan! :lmao:
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People in Addis Ababa don't understand the Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do
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:laugh:
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk!
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:lmao: :lmao:
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What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.
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:lmao:
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice
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A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb. He just can't part with it.
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:lmao:
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:lmao:
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People in Addis Ababa don't understand the Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do
(https://i.imgur.com/9FcxOD9.gif)
What’s the No. 1 cause of divorce? Marriage!
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There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
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You have to hand it to short people ...
... they can't reach it anyway. :P
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groan! :laugh:
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What did the zebra say the first time he saw a piano?
“Dad?”
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:lmao:
I crashed into the back of a car at the lights today. A really short guy got out of it and said, “I’m not happy.”
I said, “Well which one are you then?”
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:lmao:
I just heard Stevie wonder is a Terrible father...
He never sees his kids
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I feel bad for laughing but that's funny!
What’s the easiest way to make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail—it’ll be delighted!
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:lmao:
How is virginity like a soap bubble?
One prick and it is gone forever.
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:lmao:
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
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:lmao:
A man died after drinking varnish. It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.
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(https://i.imgur.com/FfiWcus.gif)
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Bad car accident
I was in a really horrid car accident last week. The police have been examining the skid-marks to investigate exactly what happened.
So far, they have figured out that the other driver was more scared than I.
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A man goes to the doctors for a check-up. The doctor says, "You need to stop masturbating!"
"Why?" asks the man.
The doctor replies, "Because I am trying to examine you!"
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:lmao:
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:lmao:
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:laugh:
I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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:groan:
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I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."